47 things that will never happen
by Kisha-Ra
Summary: Thankfully!
1. Chapter 1

47 Things That Will Never Happen

On X-men Evolution.

Okay. Warning from the author: if you were looking for a sensible story with a plot and all that then now is time to click back. This fic was co written by my sister but we don't mind bad reviews, we like reviews. I'm sure there's something else.

_Try the disclaimer Kish. ya know, the one where we, like, say we don't own this._

Oh yeah we don't own X-men evolution or any of the characters, except any we make up as we go along. Now I have to kill someone. 'Cause she said like.

We see a fairly typical scene; the X-men are fighting Magneto in the town centre, several buildings have been knocked over, Mystique is sat on some rubble crying, Destiny is trying to get her to stop.

Cyclops: (shooting eyebeams at Magneto) give it up Magneto you'll never …(his mobile starts ringing.) Just a second. Hello professor, yes, okay, sorry about that, yes we'll be right there. (To Magneto) we have to go, its dinnertime, can you come back after?

Magneto: All right, hey why don't you all come round my asteroid later, I'm having a sleepover.

Cyclops: Um, okay if it's all right with the professor.

The X-men leave the scene and Magneto sits next to Destiny on the destroyed building.

**At The Institute**

Xavier: How come Erik didn't invite me to his sleepover?

(Phone rings)

Bobby: I'll get it. (Gets phone) Hello? Oh right, I'll tell him. PROFESSOR IT'S FOR YOU!

Xavier:  Bobby there is no need to shout I am right here. (Takes phone off of Bobby) Hello?

Magneto: (on phone) Hello Charles, I just called to see if you wanted to come to a sleepover at my place.

Xavier: Sorry I can't, I have to go see Amber this evening.

Magneto: is she your girlfriend or something?

Xavier: Or something, she's my kid, you know, the one I actually know about, and who isn't a psycho, and who hasn't started her own religion.

Magneto: oh yeah, that was when you lived with that woman you hated for six years wasn't it.

Xavier:  Oh Jolene yeah I remember that crazy bitch, lost a fifty in poker the day she dumped me.

Magneto: Get over it Charles you never should of bet a fifty, you stink at poker, remember.

Xavier:  All right Magneto no need to rub it in. Besides I cant turn down a bet, remember.

Magneto: Keep your pants on Money Bags you can always afford to replace walls televisions and planes that get busted why get all worked up a single fifty?

Xavier:  Yeah um I kinda hoped that you wouldn't mention that, cos um like um. Can we borrow $1592 to fix the wall in the dining room?

Magneto: Look Charles this is getting seriously out of hand 1st $78 then $110 then $150 but $1592 is just out of the question! Slams down phone

Kurt: Yo professor why don't you go on Chad & Joes new talk show 'Lend me a fifty mutie'?

Xavier:  Kurt, you know I detest that talk show about mutants.

Kurt: sorry professor.

Cyclops: Professor, can Kurt, Kitty, Rogue, Multiple Boy, Bobby, Amara, Wolfsbane, and I attend Magnetos slumber party please?

Xavier:  Why bother he's so _snobby!_

Cyclops: Calm down Professor. Remember your…

(Phone rings again)

Sam: I'll get it this time (Cannonballs over to the phone and through the wall) whoops, Bugger! I hope that wasn't too expensive. Hello? Yes, I'll pass you over Destiny. (Sam's hand reappears from the hole in the wall holding the phone) Professor its for you.

Xavier:  Next time I'll get it. Hello, oh hello Destiny, what can I do for you?

Destiny: Hello Charles I had a vision of you sorting out Mystique's little problem.

Xavier:  Which little problem would that be?

Destiny: Um the one that she still wets the bed.

Xavier:  Oh that one. I don't really give a damn about that. Just make her wear potty training pants.

Destiny: Okay, thanks for helping, bye. (Puts down phone.)

Xavier:  Okay you lot can go to Magnetos sleepover.

All People Who Were Mentioned Above: Thanks Professor!

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Cheesy voice over: Do you suffer from spots? Pimples? Acne? Then try new pinkie off pimple pads from Brillo. Attack the problem in an entirety new way, rip it out by the roots, and for those lunar sized craters you're gonna have why not try Brillo's new natural filler, with flesh tone paint and putty knife._

_Nocturne: I need currency for my trip to the 20th century._

_Old Man: Bank of Biggassia, when I needed money for my operation Bank of Biggassia was there for me, and when my boy needed to get his arch rival assassinated Bank of Biggassia was there for him, and when my Mom needed money for her bail…_

_Nocturne: I need currency not a history of the universe._

_Old Man: …for his skooma shipment (fade out)_

_And now we return to the fanfic that will never happen._

**At Asteroid M, Some Time Later**

Magnetos party is in full swing, Cyclops is singing an old Dr Hook song on a karaoke machine, Nightcrawler is dancing to this awful sound, but poor Mystique is being booted out for wetting all the clean sheets.

Mystique: Please Magnus please, I won't wet anymore.

Magneto: Only because there's no more left to wet.

Cyclops: And I swear you could taste the chicken and tomatoes, the noodles and the marrow bone, But all it really was, was some water and potatoes and the wonderful wonderful soup stone…

Mystique: if only I'd followed Destiny's advice, then again, there's a 24/7 on the next street.

**Back inside**

Multiple boy: hey Cyke, try some of this amazing new gag gum!

Cyclops: Noooooooo! Never!

Multiple Boy: It's pineapple and liver.

Cyclops: Okay. (Chews gum) urgh, ahrgh, bluech that's disgusting! Did mmuph murphgfutuv hjgjcuj ffjfdjgfj ughkhbnohoi nobbi licky poo?

Multiple Boy: what?

Cyclops: Don't say what, say pardon.

Multiple Boy: sorry. Pardon?

Amara: mind the puddle Tinkywinky!

Cyclops: Wh…sorry. Pardon? And I said urgh, ahrgh ,bluech that's disgusting! Did mmuph murphgfutuv hjgjcuj ffjfdjgfj ughkhbnohoi nobbi licky poo?

(There is a knock at the door and Boom Boom busts in.)

Boom Boom: I know you stole my hairdressing scissors Bucket Head! Now give 'em back I need to cut off Freddy's hair.

Magneto: Sorry Boom Boom but Sabertooth's hair was choking me and I was 3 miles away. They're in the bathroom.

(Boom Boom busts into the bathroom.)

Destiny: Will you wait outside like everyone else!

Boom Boom: Jeez, chill willya I'm just gettin' my scissors. Hey nice loo paper, those fluffy bunnies are so cute.

Everyone: Ha. Ha. Magneto has fluffy bunnies on the toilet paper!

Magneto: NO I DON'T! (Busts into bathroom) Oh wait yeah I do.

Destiny: someone had better put a lock on this door.

(Another knock at the door)

Magneto: who is it this time? (Opens door.) What are you doing here? How does everyone keep getting up here?

Storm: for some reason everyone left their toothbrush behind.

Magneto: That's because toothbrushes wasn't on the list.

Storm: I expected better from you Magnus.

Magneto: Sorry if I forget a thing or two _lady perfecto_.

Storm: Well I never.

Storm busts out

Meanwhile at the 24/7 on the next street Mystique is struggling to find a size XXXL pair of pull up panties. Havok is breaking into the asteroid because he can hear Cyclops and Professor X struggles to finish his tea at Ambers place whist avoiding violent action with Jolene.


	2. Chapter 2

47 Things That Will Never Happen

On X-men Evolution.

Another note from the author: this fic will not be updated during the week because of school/college. And now some review answers.

_We have reviews?_

Yes. Now lets get on with this.

_Okay. Yaya bitchy fish, thanks we're glad your enjoying the symptoms of our insanity._

And Scarlet-Child don't worry the brotherhood teens will be out in force in later chapters.

_On with the fic._

**At The Institute**

Wolverine is playing Tetris

Wolverine: Jean you're so dead for resetting the high score on Tetris.

Jean: I didn't do it, it was, um, it was, I DON'T CARE WHO IT WAS IT WASN'T ME

Wolverine: Don't lie. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

Jean: I don't know why you have to be so immature.

Wolverine: am I the person who reset the high scores because I can't take losing? No not this time anyway.

(Knock at door)

Ray: I'll get it!

Wolverine: Just don't break anything, kid.

(Ray answers the door and amazingly fails to break anything)

Ray: hey Wolverine, there's some chick at the door for you.

Wolverine: oh hell I hope she isn't here to kill me. (Goes to the door.) Oh, um, Hi there Nicolette

Nicolette: Hey there Logan, I was gonna try and kill you but I can't really be bothered, anyway you can have all this junk back cause it's takin' up too much room round my place. See ya.

Wolverine: Hey Nicolette do you, like, um, want to come in for a drink.

Nicolette: No sorry Logan but Trevor and I are going out for a meal what with me just dashing from the wedding reception and all.

Wolverine: who is this 'Trevor' of which you speak?

Nicolette: you know Wolver…um yeah well he's my bloke now I gotta go coz we've bin goin out since 1st grade. Bye.

(Nicolette wets herself)

Wolverine: Hey Nicolette you've wet yourself.

(Nicolette morphs into Mystique)

Mystique: Dammit I knew I shouldn't have got the cheap kind!(Mystique runs off)

Wolverine: hey get your ass back here where'd you get all my stuff? And I'm not cleaning that up!

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages_

_Voice over: Are YOU a wet bed? Do YOU wet yours? I thought so._

_SO BUY SUMO NAPPIES THE CRAPPIST NAPPIES IN TOWN (after use)_

_Crap voice over: If you don't want your summer to be lame and icky pick up the phone and call me I'm the REPAIR MAN._

_Lady Deathsrike: my non-organic components were so annoying I couldn't even kick Logan's ass. The itching and burning was driving me crazy! So I tried Steele's Medicated powder for cyborgs, it worked like a charm, now I can kick ass again._

_Cheesy ad guy: Steele's Medicated powder for cyborgs, use only as directed._

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen _

**At asteroid M**

Havok: All right this party is gate crashed!

Nymrod: That's right we'll destroy you and you puny non-robot inferiorness.

(Havok and Bishop look really offended)

Hank: _ Nymrod? WHAAAT?_

Bishop: Hey sounds like your not even acknowledging Havok or me. And besides Nymrod ain't even in this series nor am I.

Hank: and I'm not even supposed to be at this party.

Havok: Scott! Will you pay attention to me I'm your brother!

Cyclops: No! I hate you! You stole my Teddy. I can finally express how I feel about you. You are a big Poopoohead!

Magneto: how do all you people keep getting here?

Bishop: well this asteroid crashed to the earth decades ago. Well I'm gonna get back to my own series now.

Nymrod: affirmative.

_We interrupt this fanfic for a special report_

**MYSTIQUE**

**HAS GOT**

**SOME OF THE RIGHT SIZE NAPPY KNICKERS!**

_We now return to our scheduled fanfic._

**The next morning at asteroid M**

Magneto: bye everyone. thanks for coming.

Everyone: yeah bye Magneto, great party.

Pyro: umm boss, they just ran off with our furniture.

Magneto: WHAT! Get back here you kleptos!

Cyclops: Run!

(Everyone scatters and disappears)

Magneto: Pyro go and get new mail order catalogue from Sabertooths room.

Pyro: Do it yourself boss I'm not going in Sabertooths room.

Meanwhile the X-men return to the institute with their stolen goods, in the Bayville high school female toilets a new villain is destroying the water supply, and Magneto searches Sabertooths room for the new mail order catalogue.


	3. Chapter 3

47 Things That Will Never Happen

On X-men Evolution.

**At the Xavier institute**

Professor X: X-men I just spoke with principal Kelly, it seems a mutant is attacking Bayville high.

Cyclops: Why does Kelly want our help Professor, can't security just kick him out?

Professor X: This villain is female and is attacking the female toilets; security men can go in a female toilet.

Cyclops: so who's gonna lead the team? I'm not going in a girl's toilet.

Professor X: You won't need to Cyclops, Jean and Rogue have it covered

Jean: All right! I finally get a role in the teams leadership!

Rogue: X-Men…er…women move out!

(All the chicks run off)

**Later at Bayville High**

Principal Kelly: You muties had better get this sorted out!

Rogue: Oh man, why do we have to lead this stupid mission?

Jean: yeah Scott gets all the good missions.

Principal Kelly: Just get in the bathroom and sort this out.

Rogue: yeah alright, don't have a shitfit. (Opens door)

H2 Olga: I already told you Kelly, I'm not…Hey you're not principal Kelly.

Kitty: why are you vandalising the bathroom and, like, screwing up the water supply and stuff? Wait principal Kelly came in a girl's bathroom?

H2 Olga: yeah, why do you think I'm so mad?

Kitty: Ew what a pervert

H2 Olga: Yeah tell me about it. Lookin' for smokers my ass.

Rogue: Okay that's it I'm leaving. Pervert Kelly can sort out his own problems.

(the X-girls leave the bathroom)

Principal Kelly: where are you going muties? Aren't you going to sort this out?

Jean: No. In future I suggest you stay out of the girls bathroom.

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Cheesy Ad Guy: is love in the air?_

_Wolverine: Yeah._

_Cheesy Ad Guy: want to get rid off it?_

_Wolverine: Yeah!_

_Cheesy Ad Guy: then get new Emoteout air fresher! Emoteout completely eliminates love from the air and reduces teenage hormones by half!_

_Serious voice over: Remember mutants, don't switch needles, don't switch partners, don't catch S.T.O.R.M.S. sexually transmitted organic rapid mutation syndrome is a killer. This information is brought to you by the department of mutant health._

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen_

**Back at the institute**

(A knock at the door.)

Professor X: I will get it this time.

(opens door)

Delivery Guy: package for Mr Xavier.

Professor X: thank you

Delivery Guy: sign 'ere where it says sign 'ere. Thanks. (hands over a box and leaves the scene)

(professor X opens the box and pulls out…Gasp…a wig. Which he puts on)

Boom boom: Yo chuck, nice hair dude, hey I didn't know you normally wore a bald cap. Cool later.

Professor X: thank you Tabitha this wig disguise really does so much for complexion, In fact I have been offered a part time job as a store detective.

Boom boom: erm great but I gotta go

Storm: By the power of the wind… Oh sorry about your wig professor.

Professor X: That wig was expensive! And I paid for it out of the petty cash!

Storm: that's why we never have enough money to fix the holes in the wall

Boom Boom: Wig! Ha ha baldy! Hey what's that thing?

(A cartoon style flying saucer lands on the lawn and two bug eyed monsters and a little robot get out)

BEM 1: £&& !$ $£! & &$ subtitle: where the hell are we?

Robot: Beedy, Beedy, beep. Bloop beep. subtitle: I told you we should have turned left.

BEM 2: &£ &£+ "£! &£ ? subtitle: you never did, you said right

Professor X: Has anyone seen my Aspirins? (prof. X leaves)

Storm: professor! Come back here! You are NOT to take any more aspirin; you'll ruin your dinner! (Storm runs after him.)

Boom Boom: you all wrong. You should have gone straight on at Alpha Centauri

Robot: Beedy, beedy beep. subtitle: I told you so.

BEM 2: &£ &£! &£ &£! &£ $£& # $ ? "!" ? subtitle: You never! You never! You heard it say right didn't you?

(the two bug eyed monsters and the robot pile back into the flying saucer still bickering)

BEM 1: $&£ ! subtitle: Shut up!

**Inside**

The X-kids are standing around in the rec room looking panicky when Beast walks into the room.

Beast: what's going on in here?

(the X-kids shuffle their feet and look round at each other.)

Ray: It's the worst thing that ever happened in the history of mutantkind

Beast: what?

Rhane: We can nae find the remote.

Beast: AAAaaaaahh!

(Cyclops comes running in)

Cyclops: What's going on?

Beast: they… lost… the… remote. (Beast faints in the classic B movie style.)

Cyclops: quick we need to find it before the professor comes in to watch the powerpuff girls!

While the X-men attempt to find the remote, the FoH are composing a letter, Magneto is ordering some new furniture, and the brotherhood are REALLY annoying Mystique


	4. Chapter 5

47 Things That Will Never Happen

On X-men Evolution.

Sorry about the mess up with this chapter. Can you ever forgive us?

**At the brotherhood house.**

Freddy is playing the air guitar, Todd is attempting to play a broken up old violin and failing, Wanda is using her powers on random things around the room making them dance about, and Pietro is singing into a kiddies toy microphone.

Pietro:  Hit me baby one more time, umh! Wanda! I'm telling daddy Magnus about _you_!

Magneto:  Insolent boy! I did that. Now stop singing!

Todd: Yo it's Magneto. What're you doin' here yo?

Magneto: I'm dropping off a new brotherhood member. Gambit just couldn't make it in the acolytes. (Magneto leaves)

Gambit: dis sucks.

Pietro: what did you do?

Gambit: de cards fell out of Gambits sleeve. Tried to pick em up but Bucket Head saw me.

(the door bangs open and Lance storms in carrying a bag of food)

Lance: What are you doing here again?

Gambit: it Gambits curse.

Lance: well you can put this lot away. (throws groceries to gambit)

Gambit: Gambit really badly cursed.

(Mystique comes out of the bathroom drying her hair with a towel. She is wearing only a bra and a pair of potty training pants.)

Gambit: Gambit really, really badly cursed. Gambit scarred for life now.

Lance: you're not the only one.

**At the sentinels secret base. **

(A comic style sentinel stomps in with Principal Kelly dangling from its hand by one leg)

Kelly: what is going on here? Why are you doing this? I'm a United States…um …principal! You can't do this to me!

Sentinel: you will presented to Mastermould and doctor Trash. Trask, I meant to say Trask, not trash. (Stomps into a larger room where Mastermould is sat surrounded by legions of sentinels.)

Mastermould: Greetings sentinel care for a cup of tea?

Kelly: Tea? How can you be thinking of tea at a time like this!

Mastermould: Thinking is something you better forget. By this time tomorrow you will have no thought, no power, no will of your own. Instead this handy remote will do all of that for you.

Kelly: why? I'm not even a senator in this series; I'm just a high school principal.

Mastermould: it's part of my plan to take over the world by influencing youngsters through the education system. Would you like a cookie? Sentinel #382 baked them.

(Dr Trask runs into the room.)

Dr Trask: Mastermould! What are you doing! You were created to protect humans from mutants not have tea parties!

Mastermould: that is not logical. Mutants are human…

Dr Trask: Gasp

Mastermould: therefore humans do not need protection from themselves.

Dr Trask: AND THAT MEANS YOU CAN HAVE A TEA PARTY!

Mastermould: well, yeah.

Kelly: what about me? Aren't you going to replace my brain with a computer?

Mastermould: No. Dr Trask is going to do that for me.

Dr Trask: What?

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages_

_Cheesy ad lady: you're out on the hunt with all your vampire buddies, and you get toothache._

_Vampire: Arrg. By zer children of zer night zis really hurts!_

_Cheesy ad lady: what you need is bleedox reductol, bleedox is specially formulated for vampires. Now in five blood type flavours._

_Bimbo: AAAAAAAHHH!_

_Old bag 1: my husband has a terrible problem with Biggassian baboon syndrome. His butt is constantly swollen and blue, but every time I try to tell him about Biggass begone from Hittit he hums_

_Old bag 2: well don't just tell him dear, get him some then he'll have to try it, and it works like magic!_

_Old bag 1: wonderful, I'll get some today!_

_Cheesy ad guy: Biggass begone from Hittit, available at your local chemist._

_Old bag 2: use only as directed._

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen._

**At the institute.**

Beast: I can't believe it was down the back of the sofa all the time!

Cyclops: nor can I, I swear we looked down there 5 times.

(The remote suddenly squeaks and leaps out of Beasts hand.)

Beast: we are going to experience some difficulty explaining this abnormal turn of events to the professor. The remote appears to have developed some form of sentience.

Cyclops: Beast, what the hell are you talking about?

Beast: I was attempting to inform…

Cyclops: IN ENGLISH!

Beast: the professor won't believe this shit.

(Professor X comes into the room.)

Professor X: X-men… hey where the hell are the X-men? Apart from you two I mean.

Bobby: What the hell!

(The remote runs into the room and hides behind the TV.)

Cyclops: don't worry, I'll get it. (Reaches behind the TV) Oww! It bit me! It _bit_ me!

Bobby: oh god no! He's going to become a remote!

Beast: they were looking for the remote. Now they're hunting it. It seems to have become intelligent. I believe we own the first mutant remote. I must do some research.

Professor X: I'm afraid that will have to wait. Get everyone in here.

Beast: (leans round the door.) you can all stop listening from outside now.

Storm: I can't believe we got caught, again.

Wolverine: I can't believe I was listening round the corner. I have super senses.

Professor X: I can't believe I didn't see you all when I came in. Anyway now I can do my explaining bit. X-men I've just heard some disturbing news. Principal Kelly has been kidnapped by sentinels.

Kurt: well?

Rogue: yeah why do we care?

Professor X: well we don't. But if we save him it would a good PR stunt, and since we can't afford a PR flack this is the best I can come up with.

Meanwhile Dr Trask is making a phone call, and Mastermould is explaining his evil plan in full with illustrations.

Love it? Hate it? Think it needs a plotline? Think it tastes like chicken? Please review!


	5. Chapter 6

47 Things That Will Never Happen

On X-men Evolution.

We'd like to thank to thank our faithful and only reviewer Yaya, thank you.

_We thought it was going to be a oneshot too. It evolved inot a mutant fanfic, that's our excuse anyway._

On with the fic.

**Inside government installation.**

Henry Guyrich of the federal security agency is working on a computer when his mobile phone starts ringing.

Guyrich: Guyrich here.

Dr Trask: (on phone) Mastermould has gone crazy! He's taken over! He's going to replace Kelly's brain! He's going to do the same thing to every leader…um… principal in the world! Huh? Uhg.

Guyrich: Trask? Trask! Something's wrong I can feel it.

(The X-men bust into the room and Wolverine tries to skewer Guyrich.)

Wolverine: Where's the sentinels base?

Guyrich: It's to late to stop them! He's made thousands of sentinels! _Thousands!_

Jean: umm, don't you mean we've made thousands of sentinels? And why have I only got five or six lines in this whole production?

Guyrich: no I don't mean we've made thousands. Trask says we, I say I when things go right and blame everything that goes wrong on him. Here are directions from here to the abandoned and highly dangerous coalmine we use as a base.

**some time later at the sentinels secret base. **

Cyclops: Right Storm and Rogue you guys are on diversion detail. When the sentinels all shoot up out the mine... um, well just fly about and distract them.

Rogue: Fly? I can't fly in this series. The explanation was too complicated for the producers to understand and would have led to unnecessary character building episodes so they just left it out.

Cyclops: Look, the authors have complete power over this fanfiction. So if whoever is currently typing says you have the powers of Ms Marvel then you do. Of course if you want to argue with the authors and run around doing jack shit for the rest of this chapter then I'm sure they'll let you.

Storm: Cyclops, your introductory speech for this scene has become almost as boring and long winded as the ones I used to fill up the time until the adverts back in the 90s cartoon series.

Professor X: hey I'm supposed to do the explaining bit.

Cyclops: can we just get on with this?

**Inside Mastermoulds room**.

Dr Trask: you can't make me do this!

Mastermould: Sentinel #973 make Dr Trask do as I say.

Sentinel #973: Yes Mastermould. Whoops! (Sentinel #973 trips over its own feet and lands on another sentinel which lands on another and so on creating a very noisy domino effect.)

**Outside.**

Rouge: Okay shouldn't there be some sentinels be out here by now?

(Suddenly the sentinels start coming up out of the mine shaft but instead of flying with the rocket thingys in their feet they are climbing out by standing on one another's shoulders and pulling each other up. Instead of fighting they start staggering about like drunkards. Storm and Rogue are now on the ground laughing at the sentinels and holding on to each other to stay upright.)

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Cheesy kid singers: It's mutant terror Barbie._

_Little girl 1: Look at her pretty fur._

_Little girl 2: You can braid it_

_Little girl 1: And she talks too!_

_Barbie: I am superior to you in every way._

_Little girls: (giggling) come on mutant terror Barbie, let's go on the rampage!_

_Barbie: Math is hard. Let's destroy the human race._

_Little girl 2: we wanna be dumb and violent just like you mutant terror Barbie!_

_Cheesy ad lady: let mutant terror Barbie take your little girl out on the rampage. Accessories sold separately._

_Cheesy ad guy: so how do you like those dried cat foods Feral?_

_Feral: Yowl! Hiss!_

_Cheesy ad guy: we don't blame you Feral! Felines can't be fooled by artificial flavours. That's why we at Drimeat have developed new dried meat extract, real meat, dried. Just take a pack, put it in a bowl, add water, and in just 30 seconds you'll have a meal your feline is sure to love!_

_Cable: but will Feral really like it?_

_Cheesy ad guy:  try it and see, felines love our blend of fish and rodent flavours._

_Cable: What do you think of Drimeat meat extract Feral?_

_Feral: Purrrrr!_

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen_

**Inside the mine.**

Cyclops: Let's split up and look for clues. Help I sound like one of the Scooby gang! Never mind, Jean and I will go this way and everyone else, go that way.

Kurt: What, all of us?

Cyclops: Yes all of you!

Kurt: but shouldn't someone stand guard?

Kitty:  Don't worry when I was making 'muffins' um, yeah, never mind, long, long story Anyway I have a guard… um… thing. I called him Mr. Muffin man.

Kurt: Kitty you fed a defenceless animal those muffins! What are you crazy! You could get arrested for animal abuse!

(A creature that looks slightly like a dog but more like a sponge in acute pain suddenly drops into the mine and rolls along to where the X-men are standing. It stops by running into Kitty's leg.)

Kitty: Oww! That really hurt!

Kurt: now that's a walking advertisement for avoiding Kitty's muffins.

Kitty: My cooking is not that bad Kurt.

Kurt: Excuse me but who was it who burned that salad the other day?

Cyclops: Can we just get on with this?

**Outside mastermoulds room a little later.**

(Cyclops and Jean are spying on track and Mastermould through the open doorway. Kelly is unconscious and lying on a hospital trolley, please don't ask where it came from, and Dr Trask is arguing with Mastermould.)

Dr Trask: You still can't make me do this! I haven't had a tea break in five hours, I'm not getting paid overtime, or at all, and we're out of digestives!

Mastermould: Do you want to have to replace your own brain with a computer as well? (The phone starts ringing.) Just a second.

Guyrich: (on phone) Guyrich here. Mastermould, we're out of tea! And we need more hospital trolleys!

Cyclops: (to Jean, whispering) we can't let that happen, we already hijacked fifty hospital trolleys for the mansion.

Jean: we did?

Cyclops: Yes, how do you think we found enough beds for the new mutants?

Jean: I did wonder about that.

Cyclops: Okay. Use your telekinesis to get Kelly.

Jean: how is this going to stop them hijacking hospital trolleys?

Cyclops: It's not. PR 1st, hospital trolleys 2nd.

(Kelly starts floating towards the door)

Kelly: Wha?

Mastermould: Mutants!

Jean: Really? Where?

Kelly: hey I thought you were gonna drop me halfway across the room, it's in the script.

Mastermould: Kisha-Ra just wants to get this part over with as it's going on too long and getting boring. If anyone really wants to see the unedited version of this scene they can watch the episode of the 90s cartoon entitled The Final Decision, which this incident is loosely based around. There will now be a time break.

**After the big fight.**

(The blackbird is flying homeward with the X-men aboard. Mr. Muffin Man spontaneously combusted while on guard in case anyone cares. There is a rather pretty mushroom cloud rising from the mine.)

Love it? Hate it? Think this chapter was boring? Know this chapter was boring? Please review and tell us!


	6. Chapter 7

47 Things That Will Never Happen

On X-men Evolution.

This fanfiction is almost over, in fact by the end of this really long chapter it will be. Sob, snivel

_We'd like to thank our reviewers, thank you all._

We'll be here all week.

**At the institute**

The students are sitting around in a classroom when professor X walks into the room. He is wearing a hat with paper flowers on it.

Professor X: I'M CURED! (His wheelchair suddenly comes rocketing into the room and knocks him over in such a way that he lands sat in the wheelchair like always.) Aww! I'm not cured. Ahem. You are all attending a sex education class. Right now!

All students:(in tones of horror) SEX ED!

(The kids try to run only to find Wolverine and Storm standing outside the door)

Storm: what do mean Hank's locked himself in the medlab? It only locks from the outside!

Wolverine: he musta welded the door shut or something I'm telling you I can't open it without destroying it.

Kids: AARRRG! SEX ED!

Storm: and we have to teach it. Okay kids get back in that room.

Wolverine: hey Chuck, why aren't you teaching this class?

Professor X: um, I'm, um, ill! Yeah ill. (Professor X coughs unconvincingly) I gotta go play the…I mean I really should go and rest.

**Some time later.**

Wolverine: So when mummies and daddies love each other very much, they give each other a very special hug. (He looks at the class) Hey are you lot asleep?

(Suddenly, in the finest traditions of family home entertainment, a weird portal appears in the ceiling and Bishop, Cable, and Nimrod fall out.)

Bishop: are we in the right series yet?

Cable: we'd better be because my computer's crashed. I've lost all our stored universes.

Nimrod: this cannot be!

Storm: excuse me, but would you lot mind getting off the TV?

Cable: Don't talk to me about TV! I get that all day living with X-force in my universe. It's always blah, blah, blah, _Eastenders_ this! Yada, yada, yada _Friends_ that! I'm sick of hearing about TV!

Bishop: we don't have TV in my universe. Nimrod and the rest of them stole our aerials in 2047.

Nimrod: yeah we did. Now the sentinels have 24 hour TV and don't bug me to help them fight mutants anymore.

Cable: Will you just shut up about TV! How are we gonna get back to our own series is what I'd like to know! I can't leave X-force alone for five minuets and I've been reality hopping for a whole 2 days!

Wolverine: you could go downstairs and see if Beast can fix your gizmo, if you can get the door open.

Cable: no problem. I've got a key. (He picks up an energy gun.) Let's go.

**Elsewhere.**

(Professor X is sat in front of a mirror, he is no longer wearing his hat and we can see he has a large boil on his head, and that he has some hair.)

Professor X: this is terrible. I can't appear in public like this. I need to get rid of this boil so I can shave my head and stop pretending to be ill.

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Kitty: Hey Rogue, want some Dr Pepper?_

_Rogue: No thanks_

_Kitty: Come on, what's the worst that could happen?_

_Apocalypse: I am eternal! I am invincible!_

_Cheesy singers: Dr Pepper, what's the worst that could happen?_

_Lady Deathstrike: Imagine having perfect claws like mine, and imagine getting them in just fourteen days. Well you can stop imagining, all you have to do is use new proton pro-v for cyborgs. Damage these claws? Don't even think about it._

_Cheesy ad lady: Get proton pro-v for cyborgs now. Use only as directed._

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen._

**At the brotherhood house.**

Gambit is stuffing sheets into the dryer, Lance is taking out the trash and Pietro is using his super speed to try and wash the dirty dishes that cover every surface.

Gambit: Dis really sucks, first Gambit lose his favourite deck of cards, then Gambit get kicked out of de acolytes, now Gambit gotta do laundry! Why don't Mystique go see a counsellor or somethin'? dats what Gambit like to know.

Lance: that's the best idea you've ever had Gambit! Has anyone seen the phone recently?

Pietro: (at super speed) Phone? What-phone? We-don't-have-a-phone-anymore. It-got-cut-off-the-other-month-when-you-ran-up-that-huge-bill-talking-to-Kitty-all-night.

Lance: oh yeah. (Shouting upstairs) WANDA! CAN YOU GO DOWN TO THE PHONE BOX AND CALL A COUNSELLOR FOR MYSTIQUE!

Wanda: (from upstairs) why can't Fred do it?

Lance: (still shouting) BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO FIT IN THE PHONE BOX, THAT'S WHY!

Fred: (from outside) I feel very hurt by that comment.

Lance: well it's true. An ordinary sized person can barley fit in there with the door closed.

(Wanda comes stamping down the stairs)

Wanda: all right. Anything to stop her wearing those potty training pants in public. It's so embarrassing. If we don't stop this no one will ever take us seriously as villains again.

Pietro: (still at super speed) Wanda-no-one-takes-us-seriously-as-villains-anyway. We're-all-screw-ups-and-our-glorious-leader-wears-a-salad-bowl-on-his-head.

Wanda: well they're taking us less seriously than ever. What's the number Lance?

Lance: 0800 do not wet the bed.

Wanda: okay, back in a few.

**At the institute.**

In the lab downstairs Forge has turned up and is looking over Cables computer. Cable, Bishop, and Nimrod are playing cluedo.

Beast: I'm going to collect the mail.

Cable: yeah, right, do that. I suspect Reverend Green did it in the library with the lead pipe.

Bishop: Ha! Well he didn't!

Nimrod: and it didn't happen in the library either.

Cable: Damn!

**Upstairs.**

Beast: (to himself) Hmm. Now what have we here? Gas bill, phone bill, another bill, several letters to various students, and, To THe MutiES. Not another letter from the friends of humanity, don't they have anything better to do? What does it say? (Reading letter) YoU are conTaimINATing Our woRlD, WhY DonT yOU go BAck whERE you camE FroM. WE doNt WanT YOurE kind ARounD here. FROm ThE FrieNds Of huMaNItY. (to himself) somewhat less than enlightening I feel.

**Back in the lab.**

Forge: okay I can see what the problem is here, but I'm gonna need at least a hour or so to fix it.

Cable: yeah whatever. Bishop it's your go.

Bishop: I'm taking the secret passage to the conservatory, and I suspect that it was Miss Scarlet who did the murder here in the conservatory with, um, the rope.

Nimrod: the murderer did not use the rope.

Forge: um, guys, you're really scaring me now.

**Elsewhere.**

Wolverine is reading letters and writing replies.

Wolverine: (to himself) I just don't know how to reply to this letter. I can't decide what Alison would say to a girl going on her first date. I need to find a better job. One I can actually do.

Wolverine starts to write.

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Cheesy ad guy: ever wish your trash was somebody else's problem?_

_Cheesy ad lady: are you kidding? Yeah!_

_Cheesy ad guy: Wish it would just disappear without having the trouble of messy trashcans and late bin men?_

_Cheesy ad lady: sure do!_

_Cheesy ad guy: well now you can almost wish trash away with the new trans dimensional trashcan from Hittit. The TDT unit uses newly discovered technology to transport your garbage to another dimension._

_Cheesy ad lady: That's incredible!_

_Cheesy ad guy: and it's better for the environment than regular means of waste disposal. So don't delay, get the trans dimensional trashcan today and make your trash somebody else's problem!_

_Serious guy: did you know that every year over 200 mutants are driven insane by being stranded in California, the craziest place on earth?_

_Bimbo: what a cute tail! Are you, like, a mutant?_

_Nightcrawler: help!_

_Serious guy: you can help. By donating a small amount of money each month you can help a mutant recover from the effects of being stranded in California. Only five dollars a month can pay for treatment for a mutant who has been stranded for too long. Don't let this tragic loss of sanity happen to one more mutant._

_Sabertooth: violence isn't important… truth can be found in what each of us believes in our hearts._

_Magneto: Sabertooth, Noooooo!_

_Serious guy: Not one more innocent victim. Stop the suffering. Stop the madness._

_Bimbo: gosh are you, like, on a vision quest too?_

_Serious guy: contribute to the foundation for mutants in California. Call 0800 MUTANT. That's 0800 M-U-T-A-N-T._

_Bimbo: this advert is brought to you by the F.M.I.C._

_We now return to the feature length episode of the fanfic that will never happen._

**At the institute.**

There is a knock at the door.

Cyclops: I'll get it since I'm on my way out to get my new contact lenses. (opens door) Hi Risty. Hey wait aren't you Mystique in disguise?

Risty: No! I do exist in my own right you know, I'm not just part of her, who do you think you see all day around the school when she's out wearing other peoples bodies?

Cyclops: okay I'm just gonna go now.

Cyclops leaves the building and Kitty walks into the room.

Risty: Oh hey Kitty, can I borrow, well steal, some clothes off you? But not anything pink.

Kitty: Umm, what are you taking Risty? You know I don't own any clothes that aren't pink.

Risty: screw that then. I'm just gonna nick some clothes off of washing lines.

Risty leaves the scene.

Kitty: hey Rogue aren't you upset that your best friend just came over and didn't even speak to you?

Rogue: no, I was gonna pity myself about that but really can't be bothered.

True to form there is another knock at the door.

Kurt: I'll get it this time. (bamfs across the room. Trips over own tail) Whoops, Arggh (opens door)

Graydon creed: you filthy muties! It makes me sick to admit we lost the key to our headquarters! So can we stay around your place?

FoH guys: yeah can we crash here? We'll even stop sending you snotty letters.

Kurt: no! you're evil! You said that last time and you still send us snotty letters!

Creed: I'm really sorry! I won't do it again!

Rogue: yeah right, that's what you said the last 12 times. Get out!

Creed and the FoH guys leave the scene.

Kurt: I gotta go now. I don't wanna miss my go on the computer.

Storm walks into the room.

Storm: not so fast Kurt I saw you going on porn for pyros earlier.

Kurt: IT WASN'T ME! It was um, um, Pietro, yeah Pietro, he came round and put porn for pyros on my favourites, honest.

Storm: Kurt! You can't go round blaming the brotherhood for everything you do.

**At the brotherhood house.**

Pietro: Mmwhaaahaahaaa! I put XXX adult porn for pyros on Kurt's computer and Storm thought he was there on purpose Mmwhaaahaahaaa!

Wanda: Pietro, you moron, don't you have anything better to do?

Pietro: yeah I also drew naughty pictures in Scott's journal and took pictures of the chicks showering. Oww! Wanda! that really hurt.

Wanda: I said better, not more perverted. Drawing naughty pictures in Scott's journal was good though.

Fred: hey anyone want pizza?

Lance: Fred we have no money! We spent it all on getting this counsellor to come round.

Pietro: don't worry Lance. Xavier's paying, I swiped his credit card. And I got his autograph.

Wanda: why?

Pietro: I have no real idea.

**At the institute.**

Beast walks into the room his fur has become neon pink.

Beast: what do you think of my new hairdo?

Wolverine: Hank what were you thinking when you did that? Were you stoned or something?

Storm: Wash that out right now. You're setting a bad example for the students..

Kurt walks past the room he has gained a flaming skull tattoo on his arm and his fur is shaved back to show it.

Storm: See! Go and sort it out at once!

**In the lab.**

Forge: okay you lot can go home now. I fixed your gizmo.

Cable: yeah just a minuet. I accuse Mrs White, in the dining room, with the revolver.

Bishop: yeah right, you win, can we go now?

Cable: yeah okay, since I really better get back to X-force, leave those kids alone for a century or two and the whole team goes to pot.

Cable, Bishop, and Nimrod teleport away.

Forge: they're finally gone!

Beast walks in his fur is completely shaved off revealing that Beast is actually a really skinny guy with a lot of hair. Forge stares at him.

Beast: What? My fur isn't pink anymore.

**Meanwhile upstairs.**

Storm is on the phone.

Storm: Did you call your Mom? Are you wearing clean pants?

Spyke: yes and yes. Hey how come there's a phone down the sewer anyway?

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Cheesy safety guy: do you like to explore airless planets? Do you like to breath? Do you like to both at once? Then check your EVA gear regularly and make sure you always have a full tank of oxygen and always check the seals before teleportation. Safety, it's like a breath of fresh air._

_Moria Mactaggert: You know that researchers are always discovering, or inventing, new mental disorders and they are always finding new ways to treat them. However before your disorders can be treated you have to know the symptoms. Do you have a tendency to split up with your companions at the first sign of danger? Do you have the feeling that alien beings of the opposite gender find you attractive? Have you installed a self-destruct lever in your home or laboratory? Do you refer to your friends and associates as henchmen? Do you move in slow motion when battling an enemy? Do you have an urge to make clever remarks while battling your enemies? Do you tend to tell your enemies all your plans? Do you suffer from the delusion that you have enemies?__Then you might have Obstinate Mutant Obligatory Synaptic Incorrigibility Syndrome. This serious but treatable mental disorder is common among mutants. Only you can make the decision to get help. If you recognize the symptoms of OMOSIS in yourself, a friend, a co-worker, a henchman, or a family member, contact your doctor immediately. This information has been brought to you by the Muir Island research centre._

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen._

**Downtown Bayville.**

All the staff from the local McDonalds are running out of the building screaming.

Magneto: Hear me humans! A war is coming! Now give me four happy meals and a bucket of chicken lumps!

Pyro: (evil laughter while burning random things)

Sabertooth: oh a colouring contest, I love colouring.

Magneto: without coke for those two.

**Over at the institute.**

Wolverine: Jean I have no real idea what you actually did in class today, but since I've wanted to say this for ages I'm going to. Jean you have detention on Friday afternoon.

Jean: but, I didn't do anything.

Wolverine: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Why did I just say that? (Wolverine turns to leave the room, only to find that his shoelaces are tied together.) oh crap, my trousers have split.

**Elsewhere.**

Professor X: (talking on phone) WHAT DO MEAN WE HAVE TO PAY FOR PROPETY DAMAGE TO THE ZOO! ONE OF MY STUDENTS BROKE IN AND STOLE WHAT! A WHALE? WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING!

**Somewhere else.**

Kitty: I think not. I, like, took out the trash, like the other day. It is so not my turn.

Jean: well whose turn is it then?

Scott: um, Jean it's yours.

_Well that's it people._

If you have enjoyed this fanfic please tell your friends.

_Tell them to read and review._

We don't own X-men evolution, any of the characters, or, oh never mind. We do own this idea, this computer, a hyperactive beagle, and a few other things which aren't included in this package. Thank you.

Love it? Hate it? Think it tastes like chicken? Wanna know what we were smoking? **At the institute**

The students are sitting around in a classroom when professor X walks into the room. He is wearing a hat with paper flowers on it.

Professor X: I'M CURED! (His wheelchair suddenly comes rocketing into the room and knocks him over in such a way that he lands sat in the wheelchair like always.) Aww! I'm not cured. Ahem. You are all attending a sex education class. Right now!

All students:(in tones of horror) SEX ED!

(The kids try to run only to find Wolverine and Storm standing outside the door)

Storm: what do mean Hank's locked himself in the medlab? It only locks from the outside!

Wolverine: he musta welded the door shut or something I'm telling you I can't open it without destroying it.

Kids: AARRRG! SEX ED!

Storm: and we have to teach it. Okay kids get back in that room.

Wolverine: hey Chuck, why aren't you teaching this class?

Professor X: um, I'm, um, ill! Yeah ill. (Professor X coughs unconvincingly) I gotta go play the…I mean I really should go and rest.

**Some time later.**

Wolverine: So when mummies and daddies love each other very much, they give each other a very special hug. (He looks at the class) Hey are you lot asleep?

(Suddenly, in the finest traditions of family home entertainment, a weird portal appears in the ceiling and Bishop, Cable, and Nimrod fall out.)

Bishop: are we in the right series yet?

Cable: we'd better be because my computer's crashed. I've lost all our stored universes.

Nimrod: this cannot be!

Storm: excuse me, but would you lot mind getting off the TV?

Cable: Don't talk to me about TV! I get that all day living with X-force in my universe. It's always blah, blah, blah, _Eastenders_ this! Yada, yada, yada _Friends_ that! I'm sick of hearing about TV!

Bishop: we don't have TV in my universe. Nimrod and the rest of them stole our aerials in 2047.

Nimrod: yeah we did. Now the sentinels have 24 hour TV and don't bug me to help them fight mutants anymore.

Cable: Will you just shut up about TV! How are we gonna get back to our own series is what I'd like to know! I can't leave X-force alone for five minuets and I've been reality hopping for a whole 2 days!

Wolverine: you could go downstairs and see if Beast can fix your gizmo, if you can get the door open.

Cable: no problem. I've got a key. (He picks up an energy gun.) Let's go.

**Elsewhere.**

(Professor X is sat in front of a mirror, he is no longer wearing his hat and we can see he has a large boil on his head, and that he has some hair.)

Professor X: this is terrible. I can't appear in public like this. I need to get rid of this boil so I can shave my head and stop pretending to be ill.

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Kitty: Hey Rogue, want some Dr Pepper?_

_Rogue: No thanks_

_Kitty: Come on, what's the worst that could happen?_

_Apocalypse: I am eternal! I am invincible!_

_Cheesy singers: Dr Pepper, what's the worst that could happen?_

_Lady Deathstrike: Imagine having perfect claws like mine, and imagine getting them in just fourteen days. Well you can stop imagining, all you have to do is use new proton pro-v for cyborgs. Damage these claws? Don't even think about it._

_Cheesy ad lady: Get proton pro-v for cyborgs now. Use only as directed._

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen._

**At the brotherhood house.**

Gambit is stuffing sheets into the dryer, Lance is taking out the trash and Pietro is using his super speed to try and wash the dirty dishes that cover every surface.

Gambit: Dis really sucks, first Gambit lose his favourite deck of cards, then Gambit get kicked out of de acolytes, now Gambit gotta do laundry! Why don't Mystique go see a counsellor or somethin'? dats what Gambit like to know.

Lance: that's the best idea you've ever had Gambit! Has anyone seen the phone recently?

Pietro: (at super speed) Phone? What-phone? We-don't-have-a-phone-anymore. It-got-cut-off-the-other-month-when-you-ran-up-that-huge-bill-talking-to-Kitty-all-night.

Lance: oh yeah. (Shouting upstairs) WANDA! CAN YOU GO DOWN TO THE PHONE BOX AND CALL A COUNSELLOR FOR MYSTIQUE!

Wanda: (from upstairs) why can't Fred do it?

Lance: (still shouting) BECAUSE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO FIT IN THE PHONE BOX, THAT'S WHY!

Fred: (from outside) I feel very hurt by that comment.

Lance: well it's true. An ordinary sized person can barley fit in there with the door closed.

(Wanda comes stamping down the stairs)

Wanda: all right. Anything to stop her wearing those potty training pants in public. It's so embarrassing. If we don't stop this no one will ever take us seriously as villains again.

Pietro: (still at super speed) Wanda-no-one-takes-us-seriously-as-villains-anyway. We're-all-screw-ups-and-our-glorious-leader-wears-a-salad-bowl-on-his-head.

Wanda: well they're taking us less seriously than ever. What's the number Lance?

Lance: 0800 do not wet the bed.

Wanda: okay, back in a few.

**At the institute.**

In the lab downstairs Forge has turned up and is looking over Cables computer. Cable, Bishop, and Nimrod are playing cluedo.

Beast: I'm going to collect the mail.

Cable: yeah, right, do that. I suspect Reverend Green did it in the library with the lead pipe.

Bishop: Ha! Well he didn't!

Nimrod: and it didn't happen in the library either.

Cable: Damn!

**Upstairs.**

Beast: (to himself) Hmm. Now what have we here? Gas bill, phone bill, another bill, several letters to various students, and, To THe MutiES. Not another letter from the friends of humanity, don't they have anything better to do? What does it say? (Reading letter) YoU are conTaimINATing Our woRlD, WhY DonT yOU go BAck whERE you camE FroM. WE doNt WanT YOurE kind ARounD here. FROm ThE FrieNds Of huMaNItY. (to himself) somewhat less than enlightening I feel.

**Back in the lab.**

Forge: okay I can see what the problem is here, but I'm gonna need at least a hour or so to fix it.

Cable: yeah whatever. Bishop it's your go.

Bishop: I'm taking the secret passage to the conservatory, and I suspect that it was Miss Scarlet who did the murder here in the conservatory with, um, the rope.

Nimrod: the murderer did not use the rope.

Forge: um, guys, you're really scaring me now.

**Elsewhere.**

Wolverine is reading letters and writing replies.

Wolverine: (to himself) I just don't know how to reply to this letter. I can't decide what Alison would say to a girl going on her first date. I need to find a better job. One I can actually do.

Wolverine starts to write.

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Cheesy ad guy: ever wish your trash was somebody else's problem?_

_Cheesy ad lady: are you kidding? Yeah!_

_Cheesy ad guy: Wish it would just disappear without having the trouble of messy trashcans and late bin men?_

_Cheesy ad lady: sure do!_

_Cheesy ad guy: well now you can almost wish trash away with the new trans dimensional trashcan from Hittit. The TDT unit uses newly discovered technology to transport your garbage to another dimension._

_Cheesy ad lady: That's incredible!_

_Cheesy ad guy: and it's better for the environment than regular means of waste disposal. So don't delay, get the trans dimensional trashcan today and make your trash somebody else's problem!_

_Serious guy: did you know that every year over 200 mutants are driven insane by being stranded in California, the craziest place on earth?_

_Bimbo: what a cute tail! Are you, like, a mutant?_

_Nightcrawler: help!_

_Serious guy: you can help. By donating a small amount of money each month you can help a mutant recover from the effects of being stranded in California. Only five dollars a month can pay for treatment for a mutant who has been stranded for too long. Don't let this tragic loss of sanity happen to one more mutant._

_Sabertooth: violence isn't important… truth can be found in what each of us believes in our hearts._

_Magneto: Sabertooth, Noooooo!_

_Serious guy: Not one more innocent victim. Stop the suffering. Stop the madness._

_Bimbo: gosh are you, like, on a vision quest too?_

_Serious guy: contribute to the foundation for mutants in California. Call 0800 MUTANT. That's 0800 M-U-T-A-N-T._

_Bimbo: this advert is brought to you by the F.M.I.C._

_We now return to the feature length episode of the fanfic that will never happen._

**At the institute.**

There is a knock at the door.

Cyclops: I'll get it since I'm on my way out to get my new contact lenses. (opens door) Hi Risty. Hey wait aren't you Mystique in disguise?

Risty: No! I do exist in my own right you know, I'm not just part of her, who do you think you see all day around the school when she's out wearing other peoples bodies?

Cyclops: okay I'm just gonna go now.

Cyclops leaves the building and Kitty walks into the room.

Risty: Oh hey Kitty, can I borrow, well steal, some clothes off you? But not anything pink.

Kitty: Umm, what are you taking Risty? You know I don't own any clothes that aren't pink.

Risty: screw that then. I'm just gonna nick some clothes off of washing lines.

Risty leaves the scene.

Kitty: hey Rogue aren't you upset that your best friend just came over and didn't even speak to you?

Rogue: no, I was gonna pity myself about that but really can't be bothered.

True to form there is another knock at the door.

Kurt: I'll get it this time. (bamfs across the room. Trips over own tail) Whoops, Arggh (opens door)

Graydon creed: you filthy muties! It makes me sick to admit we lost the key to our headquarters! So can we stay around your place?

FoH guys: yeah can we crash here? We'll even stop sending you snotty letters.

Kurt: no! you're evil! You said that last time and you still send us snotty letters!

Creed: I'm really sorry! I won't do it again!

Rogue: yeah right, that's what you said the last 12 times. Get out!

Creed and the FoH guys leave the scene.

Kurt: I gotta go now. I don't wanna miss my go on the computer.

Storm walks into the room.

Storm: not so fast Kurt I saw you going on porn for pyros earlier.

Kurt: IT WASN'T ME! It was um, um, Pietro, yeah Pietro, he came round and put porn for pyros on my favourites, honest.

Storm: Kurt! You can't go round blaming the brotherhood for everything you do.

**At the brotherhood house.**

Pietro: Mmwhaaahaahaaa! I put XXX adult porn for pyros on Kurt's computer and Storm thought he was there on purpose Mmwhaaahaahaaa!

Wanda: Pietro, you moron, don't you have anything better to do?

Pietro: yeah I also drew naughty pictures in Scott's journal and took pictures of the chicks showering. Oww! Wanda! that really hurt.

Wanda: I said better, not more perverted. Drawing naughty pictures in Scott's journal was good though.

Fred: hey anyone want pizza?

Lance: Fred we have no money! We spent it all on getting this counsellor to come round.

Pietro: don't worry Lance. Xavier's paying, I swiped his credit card. And I got his autograph.

Wanda: why?

Pietro: I have no real idea.

**At the institute.**

Beast walks into the room his fur has become neon pink.

Beast: what do you think of my new hairdo?

Wolverine: Hank what were you thinking when you did that? Were you stoned or something?

Storm: Wash that out right now. You're setting a bad example for the students..

Kurt walks past the room he has gained a flaming skull tattoo on his arm and his fur is shaved back to show it.

Storm: See! Go and sort it out at once!

**In the lab.**

Forge: okay you lot can go home now. I fixed your gizmo.

Cable: yeah just a minuet. I accuse Mrs White, in the dining room, with the revolver.

Bishop: yeah right, you win, can we go now?

Cable: yeah okay, since I really better get back to X-force, leave those kids alone for a century or two and the whole team goes to pot.

Cable, Bishop, and Nimrod teleport away.

Forge: they're finally gone!

Beast walks in his fur is completely shaved off revealing that Beast is actually a really skinny guy with a lot of hair. Forge stares at him.

Beast: What? My fur isn't pink anymore.

**Meanwhile upstairs.**

Storm is on the phone.

Storm: Did you call your Mom? Are you wearing clean pants?

Spyke: yes and yes. Hey how come there's a phone down the sewer anyway?

_The fanfic that will never happen will be back after these messages._

_Cheesy safety guy: do you like to explore airless planets? Do you like to breath? Do you like to both at once? Then check your EVA gear regularly and make sure you always have a full tank of oxygen and always check the seals before teleportation. Safety, it's like a breath of fresh air._

_Moria Mactaggert: You know that researchers are always discovering, or inventing, new mental disorders and they are always finding new ways to treat them. However before your disorders can be treated you have to know the symptoms. Do you have a tendency to split up with your companions at the first sign of danger? Do you have the feeling that alien beings of the opposite gender find you attractive? Have you installed a self-destruct lever in your home or laboratory? Do you refer to your friends and associates as henchmen? Do you move in slow motion when battling an enemy? Do you have an urge to make clever remarks while battling your enemies? Do you tend to tell your enemies all your plans? Do you suffer from the delusion that you have enemies?__Then you might have Obstinate Mutant Obligatory Synaptic Incorrigibility Syndrome. This serious but treatable mental disorder is common among mutants. Only you can make the decision to get help. If you recognize the symptoms of OMOSIS in yourself, a friend, a co-worker, a henchman, or a family member, contact your doctor immediately. This information has been brought to you by the Muir Island research centre._

_We now return to the fanfic that will never happen._

**Downtown Bayville.**

All the staff from the local McDonalds are running out of the building screaming.

Magneto: Hear me humans! A war is coming! Now give me four happy meals and a bucket of chicken lumps!

Pyro: (evil laughter while burning random things)

Sabertooth: oh a colouring contest, I love colouring.

Magneto: without coke for those two.

**Over at the institute.**

Wolverine: Jean I have no real idea what you actually did in class today, but since I've wanted to say this for ages I'm going to. Jean you have detention on Friday afternoon.

Jean: but, I didn't do anything.

Wolverine: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Why did I just say that? (Wolverine turns to leave the room, only to find that his shoelaces are tied together.) oh crap, my trousers have split.

**Elsewhere.**

Professor X: (talking on phone) WHAT DO MEAN WE HAVE TO PAY FOR PROPETY DAMAGE TO THE ZOO! ONE OF MY STUDENTS BROKE IN AND STOLE WHAT! A WHALE? WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING!

**Somewhere else.**

Kitty: I think not. I, like, took out the trash, like the other day. It is so not my turn.

Jean: well whose turn is it then?

Scott: um, Jean it's yours.Please review!


End file.
